Sometimes in our journey as a mentor, we might experience a few anger episodes from our young mentee. What do you do when that happens?

Today, we will share some tips we’ve picked up along the years that we have found useful in helping our mentees manage their emotions in the long run.

What triggers anger?

Anger doesn’t just happen. It usually arises from an event, series of events, or unmatched expectations of self and/or others, which can result in feeling frustrated, fearful, resentful, stressed, and/or disappointed.

When unresolved, this becomes unhealthy.

What can help?

1. Build Rapport
This is an important step. When trust is established, your mentee will feel safe and open up, helping them process their emotions and allowing you to understand the situation better.

2. Explain how anger comes about
Explaining and breaking down the process (Event – Emotions – Anger) can help your mentee share and understand more about the situation at each stage. Together, you can discuss any issues or solutions after, and even help them reframe their thought process.

3. Identify and articulate any emotions they are experiencing
Using a Feelings-Vocabulary Chart can help your mentee articulate their feelings and identify their emotions. By doing so, both you and your mentee can make sense of and address any other underlying emotions which led to anger.

4. Use empowering words and reframe the situation

4.1 Refrain from “must” or “should” and discuss any unrealistic expectations

Anger often arise from unmet expectations. Hence, it is good to remind your mentee to refrain from using words that lead to expectations.

For example, instead of “My best friend should know whatever I am thinking without me having to tell her”, we can change it to “I can communicate how I feel so my best friend understands what I am feeling and thinking”.

4.2 Reframe the situation

Replace a bad thought with a good one.

For example, your mentee is feeling anxious because her best friend has not replied to her text messages. You also know that your mentee’s friend is caught up in school or home front.

Instead of “My best friend is ignoring me. She doesn’t like me anymore”, you can help your mentee reframe it to “My best friend is currently occupied with some challenges in her life so she might not be able to reply me immediately. In the meantime, I can focus on my schoolwork, other activities, reach out to other friends and when my best friend is ready, we will reconnect again”.

4.3 Use “I” statements

Helping your mentee take responsibility for the emotions they are experiencing will help them feel less powerless and more in control.

For example, instead of “He made me angry when he pushed me”, we can change it to “ I feel angry because he pushed me”.

5. Listen and use open-ended questions as prompters

You may not have the solution for every problem but listening often times can be more than enough. Using open-ended questions such as “Tell me more” or “How did you feel” will help them process the situation and their emotions more.

6. Empowering activities over anger

6.1 The ball-up fist

This is a great experiential analogy that might help your mentee understand anger more. The script is as below, which can be modified to suit your mentee accordingly.

“Clench your fist and let go whenever you want you.
What do you see on your palm? (Nail marks.)
Anger is like a balled-up fist. The person who is angry also hurts himself during the process.
The longer the person holds onto anger, the longer and deeper he will feel the hurt too.
The choice is up to the person, he can let go at any time.”

6.2 Self-esteem name acronym

Have fun with this activity by coming up with empowering acronyms for your child’s name. This will help remove any negative subconscious self-beliefs they have about themselves.

For example, Sam can be Strong, Articulate, Magnetic.

6.3 Master or slave?

This is a great way of explaining to a child if they understand mandarin. In mandarin, the word anger is 怒, which can be broken into 奴(slave) and 心(heart).

By breaking 怒 into 奴 and 心, you can ask your mentee if they would like to be a slave to their heart or a master over their heart?

If their response is master, you know they are open to changing the way they view anger. If their response is slave, give them more time to process and re-evaluate their feelings.

Final thoughts

We hope this has helped you understand how anger comes about and also steps you can take with your mentee to manage this emotion better.

Anger often has a negative connotation, but the truth is, anger is an emotion, just like happiness, sadness, and fear. When managed healthily, it can even spur one on further.

Remember to celebrate any small progress you see in your mentee along the way! The more we focus on the positives, the more we will see authentic, lasting, and impactful changes.

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If you like to be a mentor, drop us a message here!

Also, if you wish to give and help us run our programmes, please click here. A little goes a long way as we invest in creating stronger tomorrows.

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Alternative “Feelings-Vocabulary” charts :
1. Words to describe emotions
2. Mood Chart

References :
1. Adapted from Life Community’s Workshop – Anger is not a bad word
2. Picture Credit Freepix

There may be a common stereotype that there is little hope for children from vulnerable backgrounds to break out of their existing cycles, but in truth, they can have real advantages compared to their peers.

The fact that they have to put in more effort and work harder to succeed contributes to valuable intrinsic advantages that they will carry through life.

When they are given the right support early on and enter into adulthood, they not only would have academic knowledge gained (like their peers would have), but also inner strength, grit, and knowledge that they gained from the mountains they had to climb growing up (something their peers may lack at the same point in time).

Mentoring is one way to support building these foundations, and it can be a vague concept for many.

We have broken it down into five focus areas below which you can discuss and guide your mentee through. We hope this provides structure as you prepare your mentoring sessions or start on your mentoring journey. 😊

1. Education

Although education is not the end-all-and-be-all, it does open doors and increase opportunities in their futures. Encouraging your mentee to attend school regularly, be engaged during lessons, set goals with them, and motivate them to achieve their goals are great ways to guide them in this area.

Take time to listen if they share any challenges faced and also guide them on navigating these challenges based on your own experiences.

 If you have concerns or need further support, remember you can always reach out to one of the staff or your mentor support group. We are here for you!

 2. Financial Literacy and Values

This is an area a lot of us might have wished was taught in school! 

Helping your mentee develop the right mindset, habits, and knowledge from a young age go a long way in setting good foundations in the long run, such as being financially independent and/or debt-free in adulthood. 

Below are some topics you could discuss with your mentee to help them understand finance and have a better grasp of it. 

• How is money earned
• Budgeting
• Being responsible and managing their pocket money
• Difference between their needs and wants
• Importance of saving
• Importance of spending wisely
• Interest rates, inflation and investment options (Usually more suited for older mentees)

3. Healthy Coping Outlets 

It is especially helpful to discuss and identify people your mentee trust and can turn to, activities to do, and/or actions to take, during challenging times. 

This prepares them in advance so they know who to confide in or what they can do when they are overwhelmed, instead of turning to unhealthy coping alternatives. 

Below is a simple chart that can help kick start this discussion. 

Reference material : A social network map can help identify trusted key figures for your mentee  (Tracy & Whittaker, 1990)

4. Vision and Purpose

Most children and youths grow up having aspirations largely based on the people they know, such as their parents or peers. Some children may not have the privilege of having consistent or healthy adult figures in their lives, which may then narrow down what they know.

By exposing your mentee to different education and career options, and even your past experiences, this expands their horizon on what is available and the different paths they could choose. 

Remember to also discuss ways and action plans to get to their vision and goals. The more options they are aware of early on, the better decisions they can make.

5. Intrinsic Skills (Character Traits and Social Skills)

Having good character traits, such as resilience, grit, self-motivation, conscientiousness, are crucial in achieving success later in life. 

Working through problems and issues with your mentee patiently, encouraging and challenging them to pick themselves up when they fall and persist on, and even doing activities together such as sports, will help them develop these traits.

Winning is great and knowing how to fail well is perhaps even more important for one to progress strongly in life.

Besides character traits, children and youths with good social skills have often been linked to job success, independence, and emotional well-being in their adulthood. You can help your mentee develop skills in the areas below:

• Survival skills: Learning to listen, follow directions, ignore distractions, use nice or brave talk, reward oneself
• Interpersonal skills: Learning to share, ask for permission, join an activity, wait for their turn
• Problem-solving skills: Learning to ask for help, apologize, accept consequences, decide what to do
• Conflict resolution skills: Learning to deal and manage teasing, losing, accusations, being left out, peer pressure

Remember to focus on the desired behaviours and outcomes!

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The five domains listed above are, and not limited to, some areas to guide your mentee through and help them become more well-rounded.

As we have mentioned, you may not see changes right away, but over time, you will see your mentee approach tasks and situations more confidently and with better attitudes. 

Not only that, when they see themselves succeed and progress, they will carry this motivation through each stage of their lives!

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If you like to join us in this movement to help our young ones be stronger, drop us a message here!

Also, if you wish to give and help us run our programmes, please click here. A little goes a long way as we invest in creating stronger tomorrows.

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References: 

1. EduGrow for Brighter Tomorrows
2. Paul Tough, Helping Children Succeed, 2016
3. NASP centre, Http://www.naspcenter.org/factsheets/socialskills_fs.html

Contrary to popular beliefs, a person does not need to be a certified counsellor, teacher, or psychologist to be a mentor.

Many of our young clients may not have much stability, adult presence or guidance, experience feelings of abandonment, and/or sources that help them develop healthy secure attachments. These may lead to not-so-positive outcomes and what would be beneficial to prevent these outcomes would be having a mentor who would journey with them.

What are some traits a mentor possesses?

• Time commitment
  -Eg. A minimum of one year
• Ability to meet the mentee regularly and consistently
  -Eg. Six hours per month
  -If you are unable to meet on an agreed date, rescheduling in advance would be good
• Ability to listen and engage with questions
  -Examples of questions :
  -How has your week been?”
  -What made you happy or proud this week? ​
  -Was there anything this week that made you upset or disappointed?
• Encouraging and Supportive
• Warm and Caring
• Patience
  – It can be challenging and trying at times, changes might only be seen after months, mentee might fall back after setbacks, but if you keep going, the changes will solidify

What are some things a mentor can do during a session?
Initially, it is a good idea to spend time to get to know each other since trust must be built in the mentor-mentee relationship. You could also find out more about their interests and what they would like to do in the coming sessions together.

Below are some activities you could do with your mentee:

• Discuss and work on homework
• Outdoor activities (e.g. cycling, kite flying)
• Read a book together
• Drawing and colouring
• Arts and Craft
• Teach and play musical instruments together
• Teach and work on a computer project together
• Discuss personal vision and possible steps to get there
• Discuss about future education and career options and plans
• Help look through resume and prepare for an interview (For older mentees who are going into the workforce)

As you can see, you do not need to be a professional teacher or counsellor to be a mentor. You just need the desire to want to help a younger person with your life experiences, be prepared, and be engaged.

It is not an overnight journey, but definitely one that can be incredibly rewarding and life-changing.

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Sounds like something you would be interested in? Drop us a message today! We provide training and support so you can be empowered to empower others.

If you like to give and help our children break out of their existing circumstances, please click here. A little goes a long way in creating brighter tomorrows for our young ones 😊

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References :
1.https://hr.nih.gov/sites/default/files/public/documents/trainingcenter/programs/pdf/things-do-together.pdf
2.https://sites.sph.harvard.edu/wmy/dr-mentor/

A mother’s role in a child’s life has always been widely celebrated, while discussion on a father’s role often takes a back seat.

Even though a father’s role is not as widely known or talked about, fathers are just as equally important. 

The reality of today’s society is that not every child has a complete family. Many of them experience their father’s absence, due to various reasons, and this can be very painful for them (E.g. Feeling of abandonment, that they are not good enough, shame).

What can help them become stronger, despite this gap or absence, is to provide a consistent and good father figure in their lives.

What constitutes a father figure?

 This can include the following:
· Biological or Stepfather
· Other adult male figures such as grandfather, uncle, teacher, coach, or a mentor

Is having a father figure present enough? 

Simply being present is not enough. The person will need to be consistent in showing up, be engaged, and show care and warmth towards the child.

The main idea is for each interaction to be of high quality.

How does having a father figure make a difference for a child?

A mother figure is generally more nurturing, comforting, and protective, which tends to the emotional aspects of a child.

On the other hand,  a father figure contributes to other developments in the following ways :

– Males are often stronger, louder, and they play rougher. This encourages the child to develop more self-confidence, be bolder, and take more risks.

– Males also have different communication styles and use different languages. For example, the child will learn to ask for clarifications, give clear explanations and references to experiences and events, find solutions and problem solve.

Especially for boys :

–  Children model after adults easily and when there is a good father figure in their lives who treat others respectfully, they learn to do the same.

– What we love most is that children grow to be more compassionate adults when they have good father figures in their lives. In a *study, researchers have found that the determining factor in developing empathy in children was having father figure involvement.

How does Life Community come into the picture?

We match a child with an adult mentor to help provide a consistent adult figure in his/her life. Many of them come from vulnerable backgrounds and may not have the privilege of parents who are present and engaged in their lives.

We also do gender matching to ensure safety for the children under our care. (i.e. Female mentor with a female mentee, Male mentor with a male mentee)

We are currently looking for male mentors for a group of boys who are experiencing their father’s absence. We have seen that having an adult mentor to journey with them can help ease their confusion and hurt, and put them on the right path as they enter adulthood.

I would like to be a male mentor, but I’m worried I can’t do it!

It might sound like a big responsibility, but what is needed more importantly is time, consistency, care, warmth, and the desire to inspire, motivate, and help a younger life become stronger.

The focus is not to replace the father figure or fill the hole left by absent fathers in their lives, but to be a good adult male role model where they can turn to for guidance and care.

 Below are some things you can do, and we will be sharing more on this in the coming weeks:

• Set aside time to check in regularly (E.g. Asking about his day)
• Plan and do activities together (E.g. Sports, activities, drawing)

Final Note 

The positive impact of a good mentoring relationship with a trusted adult can be exponential for a child – Their attitudes, grades and social relationships improve, and often they will pay it forward with the community and become mentors themselves when they are adults. 

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We are looking for male mentors! Click here now to find out more. Training is provided so you are empowered to empower another. Help us build up a strong generation for tomorrow.

If you like to give and help our children break out of their existing circumstances, please click here. A little goes a long way in creating brighter tomorrows for our young ones 😊

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References :
1. *Richard Koestner, et al., “The Family Origins of Empathic Concern: A Twenty-Six Year Longitudinal Study,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 58 (1990): 709-717
2. Significance of a father’s influence, Focus on the family, 2011, https://www.focusonthefamily.com/family-qa/the-significance-of-a-fathers-influence

Many children from low-income and/or vulnerable backgrounds may not have the privilege of stable and caring adult relationships.

Often, this is not by choice but a result of certain circumstances such as parental incarceration; parental absence due to working multiple jobs; parenting skills; and/or volatile family situations (e.g. domestic violence). 

At a tender age and without guidance, they are left on their own devices and slowly over time, by default, they start to operate on a *fight-or-flight mode. 

This can eventually translate into response styles such as acting out when they are unable to regulate emotions (e.g. anger); finding it hard to focus and self-motivate especially in school; and turning to unhealthy alternatives such as joining gangs and partaking in other vices to cope.

A core part of what we do to bridge this gap is to assign trained adult mentors to children and youths under our care, who will visit them regularly.

The end goal is to provide a consistent adult figure who will provide guidance to our young clients, allow them to build good life imprints early on, grow personally and academically, and in the long run, improve and be connected to more social-economic opportunities. 

So how does mentoring benefit children and youths who are at risk of falling off track and help them become stronger?

Personal / Social / Emotional Development:

• Healthier lifestyle choices
• Decrease in delinquency, crimes, drug and alcohol abuse
• Ability to build and maintain social relationships that flourish
• Develop healthy coping skills and solutions in challenging times 
• Improved self-confidence when they are guided to see themselves accurately (E.g. strengths and accomplishments)
• Learn about financial options

Education:

• Improved ability to set goals, self-motivate, and focus
• Learn about educational options
• Increase the likelihood of graduation 
• Increase the likelihood of holding leadership positions 

All these are the results of establishing caring relationships and having a good role model whom they can trust and turn to, and who can guide them to stay on course.

Sustainable and stable improvements in the child/youth are often seen only after years of consistent mentoring, but the time and guidance given can eventuate in incredible results and impact later on in their lives.

The benefits are endless and especially effective when applied early on.

Drop us a message or attend a “Get-to-know-you” session to find out more and meet like-minded people who have been on this journey and have seen lives changed. We also provide training and support so you can be empowered to empower others. 😊 

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*Much stress on a long-term basis often causes children to operate on a fight-or-flight mode.

Stressors can include :

• Lack of pocket money for food
• Fear that their classmates will find out and make fun of their backgrounds, or pick fights with them
• Not passing exams because they do not know how to do their homework
• Suppressing the overwhelming feeling of anger, shame, and abandonment
• Hindered cognitive and emotional development from accumulated stressors 
• Having to fend for themselves constantly 

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References :
1. https://www.mentoring.org
2. https://www.paultough.com